While I was on one of my many flights this summer, I found this blog post that I had written July 3rd, 2018. You know, just casually over a year ago. I’m not quite sure why it was never posted, but I’m glad I found it to post now. I don’t want it to come off that I’m desperate to get married ASAP - in some ways it’s the opposite, as you may have gathered from my posts so far… overall I’m very content and happy with where God has me in my life. But I hope other girls who find wedding season hard can relate to this and remember the truth God has given us.
You know the saying “always a bridesmaid but never the bride?” Or maybe you’ve heard “You know that movie 27 Dresses? That girl is you!” … yes? no? well I have. This post has been a long time coming and something I’ve wanted to write since the beginning of creating this blog. But for some reason in my head it felt incomplete, because for a while here I had a good spurt of going to weddings with confidence, true and honest joy for my friends, and not much insecurity. Until about a few months ago.
Wedding season can be the best of times and the worst of times. A season that’s full of anticipation and excitement. A time to look forward to reuniting with friends you may not get to see often. A time to reflect on the sweetness of your friend getting married to a man you both prayed for. A time to look forward to fun parties, bachelorettes and excuses to buy fun dresses. But it’s also a season that can be full of great sadness, confusion, and insecurity.
A few months ago, I was at a wedding as the 5th wheel for the 1,000 time (lol jk but I don’t even keep count anymore). Shout out to my married/engaged friends who never forget to include me, y’all are the best and I wouldn’t want to be an extra wheel for anyone else! Anyways, as I’m sitting at the end of the row with no one to hold hands with and reflect with on our own wedding or upcoming wedding, that particular sermon stuck a cord in me that caused more insecurity than I had felt in a while. The pastor kept talking about how a bride is “a great and precious gift, how a wife is a good and beautiful thing.” I sat there thinking, “I’m not good enough to be someone’s gift”, I”m not good enough to be that blessing for someone else.” He continued to talk about the gift that is marriage and how marriage is “having someone who loves you despite your flaws, someone who no matter what - is on your team.” I sat there thinking, “I have too many flaws for someone to love me despite them, too many flaws for someone to want or desire to be on a team with me.” “There is something wrong with me. “
Well, THAT’S a downer way to enter into a reception to celebrate two people you really love isn’t it? But I know I'm not the only one who has thought like this, right? As I entered that reception I prayed I’d find another single friend there. I pride myself in being confident, being able to tear up the dance floor without a care in the world, but I was less than confident in that moment. (Update: The wedding was a freakin blast, sans a date just as they always are!) At that moment, I needed to focus on these truths:
God’s timing is good.
God does not withhold good things from me. - even if I think that a good thing for me is NOT a boyfriend, an upcoming wedding, a date for a wedding, etc. (Psalm 34:10, Psalm 84:11)
God is purposeful in his plan for me. (Proverbs 19:21, Romans 8:28, Ephesians 2:10, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 39:7, Job 42:2)
THIS WEDDING IS NOT ABOUT ME!
Why is it so hard to remember these things in the depths of our sorrow of singleness? Why is it so hard to even believe in these truths? It’s a funny thing, to know something is true, but in your heart of hearts, you kinda don’t believe it.
Here’s the other thing about weddings that I think is hard for girls. During a girlfriend’s wedding season it is all about celebrating the bride, because duh. And It’s the best! I cry at every rehearsal dinner hearing the words about some of my best friends and how wonderful they are and how their marriage is truly an answered prayer, and it’s so clear to see God’ s purpose in it! I love bachelorette parties because you get to meet the other besties of your besties and it’s SO FUN - friends meeting friends is my favorite. I love going to showers and celebrating. But sometimes - and I’m embarrassed writing this out - I wish it was me. Sometimes, I wish it was me having kind words of encouragement spoken over me; I wish it was me getting everything I wanted for my dream kitchen; I wish it was me getting lingerie and pretty pajamas I would never buy for myself. Oh, hello selfishness, not so nice to see you… Sometimes I just wish it was me being celebrated, but at the same time, I’m scared to look forward to it, because I’m scared it will never be me. I’m scared about having to be okay with it if, that’s my reality, because again and again I need to know this truth: God does not withhold good things from me, and what he has is far better. And you know what, next time you’re buying pretty pajamas for a friend, get the dang white robe for yourself too! And you know what else? Sometimes I wish there was another reason besides marriage to get the fully stocked, bed bath beyond. Does a 24 yr old married girl need nice dishes and other home goods more than a 30 yr olds single girl? Watch out single friends! I may just be planning a “registry themed” birthday party for you in the near future… ok probably not but… hey, no shame in starting that Le Creuset collection game! (end rant).
All these thoughts about wedding season and being a bridesmaid lead me to 2 things I think are key in a single girl’s guide to wedding season: 1. Being a bridesmaid is a blessing and not a burden. 2. Why don’t we celebrate singleness?!
Being a Bridesmaid Is A Blessing: ( I know, I know, this one seems obvious - but hear me out)
Instead of wallowing in my singleness, I need to choose to be joyful ( I know I know, please don’t cringe at the basic Christianese lingo here) because it is a joyful thing to be chosen to be a bridesmaid. How lucky am I to be able to say I’ve been in 7+ (I’ve lost count) and been a guest at countless more weddings?! Those weddings prove God’s faithfulness with who he’s placed in my life. Girls who love me despite my flaws, 7 + girls who are GIFTS in my life. All the things I want in marriage I can also have in friendships - sure, it’s different than a marriage of course, but God is still providing for me in those ways! And I know a lot of you can beat me in those numbers.
Let’s celebrate more than marriage. We are quick to throw engagement parties, bridal showers, couple showers, all the parties and showers to do with marriage - as we should, but what about a party for your friend who got a new job? A new apartment or house? Is moving to a new city? Finished grad school? Let’s be more thoughtful about celebrating those too! Get together and raise a glass to those incredible accomplishments - they are worth celebrating.
I don't really have a conclusion for this because I don’t think this conversation will ever be over for me. But I hope some people reading this are saying “me too” and that you’re encouraged to celebrate big life events in singleness, and viewing being a bridesmaid as a gift. I hope you don’t feel alone in the hard times the wedding season brings. Yes, marriage is beautiful and sanctifying (well I guess I don’t personally know that, but that’s what just about every pastor or anniversary instagram post says … am I right or am I right?) , but life in singleness can also be beautiful and sanctifying if you allow it to be. And I hope you also remind yourself of God’s truth that He does not withhold good things from us. Because He is always good, and our purpose is not in getting married.
