Wow. I am beyond excited to introduce you to Lilly. She is wise beyond her years, witty, fun and wrote an incredible book called “Are You My Person?” - A book for single people. It’s a play on the classic “Are You My Mother” and it’s a must-read! Without further ado, here is “The Bravery We Need” by Lilly.
If you know me well, you know that I LOVE a classic romantic comedy. One of my favorite weekend activities is curling up under a blanket with a glass of wine and watching my favorite romantic comedy “You’ve Got Mail”. I could write an entire essay on why “You’ve Got Mail” is one of the best romantic comedies in the history of film, but that’s not why Lauren asked me to write this blog. The point is, there is a specific kind of comfort that comes with watching these movies about love and romance. When we watch these movies, we put ourselves in the narrative. We watch with the great hope that one day we will also find ourselves in Riverside Park, head over heels in love with our best friend too. I wanted the epic love story, but I started to think, “What if I never got the epic love story? What would that mean for my life? What if all I’m destined to be is the boring supportive character that no one cares about?!?!?”
All these fears were only thoughts that I kept stuffed inside my brain for years, while I assured myself and my other single friends that one day we will find our “other halves”. The fear of being the "supportive character" has shown its face one too many times in my life as I’ve watched family and friends date, get engaged, and eventually get married. I felt like I was watching that rom-com again, hoping and longing for the story that everyone else was living. Over and over again, I started telling myself that my life wasn’t interesting or significant. When someone asked me if I had a boyfriend my response was always “no”. Unfortunately, I’d get the response “Oh don’t worry it’ll happen to you one day! You’ll find your person!” …not exactly the most helpful response you can give to someone so insecure. I walked away from these interactions with the idea that my singleness was something I should look forward to one day coming to an end.
As I’ve thought over the last couple of years why I have found myself in a pit of insecurity about my lack of experience in the dating department, I couldn’t help but tell myself that it was because I wasn’t like everyone else. I wasn’t confident enough, or witty enough. Maybe guys just didn’t think I was interesting or even pretty. I would look at women in these romantic comedies and couldn’t relate to them at all. How could anyone just walk up to the guy they’re interested in and tell them exactly how they felt? I could never do that! At the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that I just wasn’t brave enough…
Although I wasn’t confident in my abilities to successfully date as a young woman in her twenties, that didn’t stop me from “following the crowd” and try online dating. Every time I would mention to a married friend that I was trying online dating, I would often get the response:
“Oh wow, you’re so brave. I could never do that. I’m so glad I found my husband before that was an option.”
There’s that word again…brave. Every time I heard this comment, I almost always thought in my head, “Lady, I’m not brave. I’m desperate. This is what you do when you’re desperate and you have minimal dating experience.” That thought that came across my mind was dramatic and was ultimately a lie, but in the words of Brene Brown, it was “the story that I was telling myself”. When you tell yourself this story over and over again, it really affects you. Not only was I doubting my ability to successfully date (whatever that means?), but I also was doubting my ability to be successful in any of my relationships. From what started off as an insecurity about one small part of my life, grew, like a weed, and was taking over other parts. I became much more insecure about other things in my life that had nothing to do with dating - my friendships, my career, my abilities, etc.
As a woman who believes that God cares for me and wants a relationship with me, I was doing a horrible job taking these concerns to Him. I felt a lot of shame. There’s so much going on in the world, and I live a very privileged life, why should I take this concern to God? As a person living in shame, I didn’t pray about it. I was stubborn and cynical and I didn’t believe that God cared about my insecurities. I couldn’t see it at the time, but God was already making a way for me to see Him more and more. He gave me friends who encouraged me to seek out professional counseling. He gave me a family that never shamed me for my need to seek guidance. He gave me a job that introduced me to people who were able to see my gifts and foster them. He put women in my life via podcasts, books, and social media (that don’t even know me) to help change my unhealthy thought patterns. He gave me a community that gave me permission to be vulnerable. He gave me the bravery that I thought I never had.
As this bravery started to grow, I found myself talking about this more and more. I talked to friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers that seemed to have similar struggles. As I continued to be empowered in this vulnerability, I saw that I was not alone. And even more than that, I saw that being who God created me to be was enough. I saw that every experience (or lack of experience) in my life was all for His glory, and because of that, my life has purpose.
Dating or not dating
Married or never married
Parent or never a parent
Fulfilling career or unfulfilling career
There is not a single person or thing on this Earth that can take away the inherent value that God has planted in me or in you.
As I continued to reflect, learn, and grow, I saw my experiences and others around me to resemble the little chick in the popular children’s book Are You My Mother?. I saw how I daily have to fight against looking at other people or other things to validate me and give me security. It was in this reflection, that I came up with the idea to write my book, Are You My Person?. I knew that I would continue to struggle in my singleness and even if I wasn’t single, I would find something else in life to fill that void. I wanted and needed a small reminder that even in my striving, I am still a whole person, made in the image of the Divine. I am not incomplete, and I still have so much that I can bring to the table.
I pray that if you are experiencing the same struggles, you first look to God. Even if you feel shame, or you feel anger, I encourage you to cast all your anxieties on Him. Philippians 4:6 says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” God does not promise that He is going to give us everything we want, but He does promise never-ending love, acceptance, peace, and reassurance.
I once believed that I wasn’t capable of being brave and vulnerable. I was scared of the rejection that would come my way if I was, but in His great mercy, He gave me the kind of brave that I didn’t know I needed! I may end up being single for the rest of my life, but time and time again God has shown me that I can still show up for His glory and for His divine purposes…and I hope you know that you can too.
In God’s story, we are the "supporting character". You will see, however, that this story isn’t like any other love story you’ve seen on TV. God pursues the “supporting character” that has been cut off, pushed aside, and that has believed that she doesn’t matter. He invites her into His family, calls her beloved, and she spends eternity with the One who truly makes her whole.
“For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.”
Romans 8:14-17
- Lillian Beil
Doesn’t get much better than this. What a sweet reminder that NOTHING can take away the value God has planted in us. As always, I hope this encouraged you as much as it did me.
